I speak for the working man! For the common man!
The man what strives all his life to provide for his family!
I've seen this bloke before. He's called Neil Fromage.
He's got quite extreme views.
The man what strains every sinew...
They're his supporters. That's the protest.
- And that's the anti-protest protest. - Listen to him!
The common man can't get ahead.
- Sounds like run-of-the-mill stuff. What's the issue? - I'll tell you why.
- Immigrants! - Oh, dear Lord!
Try and infest this city, they do!
It could be rats, it could be fleas. My money's on cancer.
.. like a cancer!
- Ah, there he goes. - They come here...
You've got to watch these quiet ones, lapping up every word this tit says.
- If anyone's gonna kick off, it'll be them. - .. and if they take over,
you can be sure of one thing...
- Far better restaurants? - Blood!
Blood!
There's something wrong with him.
Fucking right there is.
Blood.
Everyone, get down!
Get down! We've all seen a dead racist!
Ah, Rabbit! My report into your alleged brutality...
I must get a statement from you so you can put your side of things.
- All right, well -- - But then I thought "Fuck that! I know what you did!"
because we go back a long way, and I intend to use everything!
Everything?
Everything you know? Everything?
- Most things. - Oh, most things? - Some things. Things.
A big, fat, juicy file full of things that you've done.
I might bring it out in 12 volumes, like a novel.
Except not boring.
I'll just follow the facts.
Oh, and them things what look slightly like facts,
but might not be.
Get out of my way!
So we have ourselves a sniper!
And the bugger's good at it.
We thought it were a political lunatic, until we looked at these.
Two other snipings last week. Lawyer in Farringdon,
church warden in Bow.
- Same make of bullets? - 0.303 Lakefield hollow-point.
Oh, gawd!
Is that our only clue?
It was the only clue, until we got this...
Well, read it, then.
"Dear Police,
"I killed three time. It were nice games."
Is it just me who finds crimes against grammar almost as bad as crimes against Londoners?
- Maybe. - Yeah.
"I have scar on my left foot which only I know about,
- "and that proves it." - Criminal mastermind at work there.
"Who knows what I will do next, but you can bet it will be BO --
- "bloody 'orrendous." - Ouch!
"Yours, Trigger Tom."
Sounds to me like someone needs to shit or get off the pot.
We'll catch the bastard.
I'm putting Rex and Keith Carnival on this one. They know ballistics.
I've got another job for you three.
- Who's that clown? - Prince Hector of Bulgaria.
He's in town for Balkan peace talks.
- I'm nodding like I know what a Balkan is. - He's a big noise.
And while he's here, you're his protection.
I ain't doing that! I ain't no babysitter! You can ask any baby.
Plus, look at this cunt's 'tache.
You'll do what I bloody tell thee, after what you did to Mr Larkham!
I barely touched him!
All right, I might've touched him a bit.
You just keep that prince safe, or we're all for the drop.
My bodyguards?
- That's right, mate. - Three officers to guard me? Take the day off.
There is no danger, for I am very popular.
In my country, there is a word for me. "Kikbarga."
It means "sexy man who gives out carrots at Christmas."
If you step out of this carriage, you'll be picking brains off the cobbles.
There's a sniper about. A really bloody good one. Great action.
Gosh! It's Mabel Wisbech, isn't it? London's first police lady.
- Enchante. - Oh! Thanks!
I support women's rights, and those of animals.
- I believe you both have a function. - Er, thanks?
As for that cartoon...
- What cartoon? - No cartoon in The Strand Magazine.
I read it on airship from Paris.
These bank robbers are getting away because they have released a mouse
and you are standing on the chair in fright!
It's one cartoon. Whatever. Don't care.
Quite right. Ignore it. And the many others.
Now, where are we heading?
Straight into your hotel. You must rest before the big round of peace talks.
Sounds boring, boy! Am I right?
Tonight, I wish to see the real London.
Not a bloody chance!
I would love to see a real Cockney. I've only seen them in captivity in Australia.
Come!
This is great! It stinks like shit and the people are very ugly.
Your whisky is piss! Worst I ever tasted!
Listen, pal, if you don't like it, you can --
I joke! I love it! Here, have money!
I don't mind if I do.
Dance for me.
And keep the whisky coming.
- I think you need to pipe down, me old chief. - I think you need to pipe down, my old chief.
Now, let us paint the town red, like my balls!
We're much safer in here, Your Lord High Excellency.
Half of these are killers, but we know them so they're our killers.
But I wish to climb Big Ben! Can you see it from here? I look!
Oh, no!
- Oh, those sorry wretches! - You should come away from the window.
I will tell them about screwing duchesses
and how invigorating it can be.
Ah, duchesses...!
Get down!
Jesus! Two men shot with the same bullet! You're right, he is bloody good.
Strauss, get a doctor for these two. You, watch the door!
How dare you kill two of my men without my permission,
- you coward! - Oi, Mr Majestic! I fucking told you!
- Now get down! - Don't insult me, or you too shall taste Bulgarian steel.
I'm a what?!
I'm trying to save you, you dickhead!
You've lost the Crown Prince!
It does sound bad when you say it like that.
We dug out the bullet from the equerry. 0.303 Lakefield hollow-point.
Trigger Tom -- gotta be!
Trigger Tom could've killed me but he didn't. That's not important. Forget that.
If the prince dies, the Home Office will come at us like a rhino with a wasp up its Aris.
It's rather worse than that, I'm afraid.
The talks are being held because the Balkans are a powder keg.
If the prince dies, Bulgaria will blame Serbia, and that means war.
That'll draw in Russia, Austria, Germany, France and Britain.
In this mechanised clash of empires, millions of our young, our finest, will die by fire
with their young, taut skin burnt to a cinder like a mother's Sunday roast.
He's a jolly fucker, isn't he?
What in God's house is that?
Telephone. Just had it put in.
- Hello. - "Put Rabbit on."
They want to talk to you. Get round here, quick!
- What do I do? - Put that by your ear and speak in there.
Hello! This is Inspector Rabbit,
talking on the stick!
"Hello, Rabbit. This is Trigger Tom. I have your prince."
Ah! I'm listening.
- "He's alive. For now." - I think he's on the other side of the wall!
- How do you know? - Because that's where the wire goes!
That's not how it works!
"Trigger Tom will call you again with instructions. Don't try to find me, you filthy pig."
Whoa! What's he saying?
He's going, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaa...
".. aaaaaaaaaaaa...
".. aaaaaaaaaaaa..."
- He keeps doing it. I think he's ill. - He's hung up.
Right.
- "Don't try to find me" indeed! - He doesn't know us, does he?
Better do what he says. You two, stay by the trombone.
- Telephone. - You wouldn't follow a lead without telling me, would you?
- I'm going nowhere. - Thank goodness. - But I've got to get there bloody sharpish.
Not like him to shoot off and do business behind my back.
- Do you think he's going off me? - There'll be an explanation.
I had enough of that at prep school.
Take one of these, please, Max.
Better not be cat meat.
What do you want, Rabbit?
We made a deal, Flora. You stay out of London and I'll stay out of your way.
Not much work for a hitwoman in Luton. I only come here to meet clients. Working breakfast.
- Are you still using Lakefield.303s? - So, what if I am?
- Want some pie? - I ain't in the mood for pie.
You're always in the mood for pie.
- There's not many snipers as good as you. - No.
Where's the prince you kidnapped?
And who was that bloke on the talkie-talkie stick? Is that your new fella?
I hate kidnaps. You've gotta feed 'em, empty their turd bucket, they fall in love with you.
It's too much work.
What are you really here for, Rabbit?
Fancied a knee trembler, did ya?
No. Millions of lives at stake.
There's no time for any of that.
No, no!
I'm at the door, girl.
Aah!
Ugh!
Fucking 'ell. That's shifted lunch.
How can I be useless and a threat to men at the same time?
It makes no sense.
The future lies with us, Mabel,
not with old men and their dated bluff and bluster!
Now, how does that feel?
Like it's gonna slice my tit off. Is that a thing?
Mm, no, your tit is quite safe.
Right, now let go.
I don't know if, er...
Oh, my God, I'm Robin fucking Hood!
Ah!
You know, the papers are being ghastly about you.
They're saying you're too emotional.
- Then I have to not get emotional about that. - Oh, don't worry.
I'll mobilise the ladies.
I don't say this lightly, but I foresee a letter-writing campaign.
You would do that? For me?
Ooh! I owe you a drink at my local.
It is quite dirty but I've got a lovely towel you can sit on.
You know what you could do for us?
You could let us know a little bit about how your station works.
Police reform is high on our list.
Definitely!
Oop!
Yeah. You were lucky.
That was lucky.
Tell the editors "More cartoons and think pieces." It's working.
The labs say the prototype is nearly ready.
Well, that is good news.
Go on, off you fuck.
That Tanner's been everywhere, asking questions about you.
Tanner? He's just a bell-end with a sore head.
What I want to know is if you ain't the sniper, who is?
That's consultation. That'll cost ya.
Oh!
That geezer shot in front of ya, where was that?
There. Where would you pick a spot?
I'd have my nest...
- .. here. - That's a gambling den now. That'd be too busy.
All right. What about here?
Or there?
Oh, God!
Now...
He must be shooting from the rooftops. There are witnesses on ground level!
Makes sense, yes. You could pick up all his sites from this warehouse.
Me jam tart stopped!
Ugh!
- So, that must be the sniper's lair. - You better get up there, boy.
Millions of lives. No time to lose.
Or we could go for the hat trick.
I reckon that's optimistic.
Come on, fellas, let's catch a sniper.
This bloke is the donkey's winkle, so you'll need eyes up your arseholes.
- Inspector, I don't like you keeping things from me. - I know!
Look out.
Did someone order some Quality Street?
Princess Juliana of Bulgaria.
- Which one's the Rabbit? - This one.
- Oof! - God!
You lost my precious brother!
He did so much for commoners like you
and yet you didn't even lay down your tiny untitled life for him!
Jesus! What happened to his eyebrow?
The dog chewed it off last year.
Your Highness. We weren't expecting you just yet.
I caught early airship from Paris.
Poor Hector. He lets people take the piss out of him. I do not.
- Pleasant journey, I hope? - Awful.
I paid extra to have a private bathroom,
only to find the Queen of Belgium sat proudly upon my bidet douche wash.
- I hate it when that happens. - No shit! How do you know the Queen of Belgium?
I don't. I was just... Never mind.
I demand that this haunted bastard meat
has no more involvement in the case!
This is my station and Rabbit is my man, ma'am.
Would you like me to take it up with Queen Victoria?
I am both her granddaughter and her great aunt.
Rabbit, stand down.
It's your decision, Guv.
Did you just wink at me?
No! Why would I wink?
I don't know. You might've had a massive stroke.
Time of life, stress of the job.
- I didn't wink at you! - Yeah, you did.
(Oh! Stay on the case!)
Ooh!
How dare you wink in my presence?
I didn't wink!
(OK, say no more.)
- Go away. - OK.
(Come on.)
It must be in here.
- A hunch, or more information I'm not privy to? - Let it go, Strauss.
I can't tell you everything.
Fine. Then don't expect me to tell you you're about to tread on that tripwire.
Good boy.
Shit.
- I think someone's trying to make a point. - Bravo!
Over here.
Damn, we're too late.
- Nine targets? - Ooh, look, and there's a note which says,
"I told you not to come, pig."
And, er, underneath it...
Oh, my God, it's the prince's ear.
Mm, yeah, that's still warm.
- How do we know it's his? - I dunno.
What do royal ears look like?
- Strauss, what do you think? - I've never seen a royal ear.
Oh, God! That's very good, Inspector!
Ha!
Twigs in a bun! Treat the kids!
Twigs in a bun!
The map from the warehouse.
All the Trigger Tom shootings, plus another five.
- His next targets? - No. They're old ones.
A year back, someone was pulled up for gangland hits in these exact locations.
Flora Wilson.
But the evidence mysteriously vanished and she was let off.
No, you're pissing in the wind. It's definitely not her.
Do you know her?
I know a lot of wrong 'uns.
- Is that who you want to see? - No.
Oh, my God, you and her did the dick dance!
- You need to watch it, girl. - Rabbit!
In here! Trigger Tom wants you on the blower.
- What the fuck is a blower? - It's Cockney for telephone.
They've just announced it.
- Inspector Rabbit here. - "You've been a naughty boy, Rabbit.
"I told you not to look for me."
You listen to me! What are your demands?
Do you want me to kill a rabbit? Easy. I can do it quickly from a high window. Slowly. Whateve
r, man.
- "I want £100,000." - If that's what it takes, yeah."
Hang on a minute. That's a hell of a lot of money. I was thinking more like six quid!
- "£100,000." - A tenner?
Shut up, Rabbit, you idiot!
£100,000. No problemovitch. My father will authorise it.
"Rabbit brings the money alone, midnight, by the heath."
I don't trust this shit-wit. I will bring the money myself.
"Tell her if she does that, I'll open her brother up like a fucking tin of beans!"
He's not keen.
"Bring the money alone or the prince dies."
Very well.
Bye.
I don't know how to use this fucking thing!
Flora's using the inspector and he can't see it! But who is the voice on the telephone?
Mabel, I need your mind.
I'm wasting my time! They'll never see me as a proper cop!
- Course you're a proper copper. - That's not what they're saying behind my back!
I have to be ten times better than the men and it's still not enough!
You're as good as all of them! Better!
I say you're the best man we have. Wait...
- The best person. - Thanks.
You're a mate.
Oi, look at this!
- I'm removing these for your own good! - No, no, no, no, no! Look!
"More Airship Disruption. Angry passengers call for renationalisation."
All yesterday's airships were cancelled.
- So the princess... - Was already in town.
The first time we met her, she had two equerries but when Trigger Tom telephoned...
Inspector Rabbit here.
There was only one.
- Dad, where's the princess? - Headache.
Went back to her hotel.
Turn around, pig.
Drop the bag.
And your weapons.
All of them.
Hands on head.
Where's the prince?
Ugh!
That, you naughty pig, was for coming to find me when I told you not to.
And this is for all the villains you've banged the door on.
Go on, then, if you've got the bollocks.
One momentski, please.
Ah, Your Royal Highness!
We need help! Would you mind?
Erm, activate your signaller!
- He means bloody whistle! - I forget my words when I'm excited!
I am not only exceptionally beautiful,
I am also mistress of the siege.
I have been in London for weeks.
Surprise! I kidnapped my brother.
Do you get it? Trigger Tom is two persons,
his voice and my rifle.
Would you mind repeating that word-for-word down the nick?
Shut up, rabbitman, you're so boring.
He was going to inherit everything and then waste our wealth on the poor!
- He's a kind of idiot! - Yeah.
So I was going to lay a trail with all this Trigger Tom bollocks.
I was going to take my father's money and then let him go,
but then you and your sniper fuck-buddy got involved
and now I can kill Hector and you and her can take the blame.
Yes, thank you, I will inherit all of Bulgaria!
- You'll start a bleeding war. - You know, we have a saying in my country --
"You cannot make an omelette without squeezing the eggs out of the chicken's pussy."
- You just made that up. - Yes.
OK, I am happy now, you can kill him.
Bloody Nora!
I see you, asshole!
Agh!
Christ, you stink of shit!
Run, Flora, run!
I love you! I didn't say that! Run!
Don't touch me, you pig!
- It was the princess! - Thanks for telling me now, you fucking donut!
Where's the fucking prince?
Where's the prince?
Cup of tea, Your Highness.
I put in 20 sugars for health.
Please, tell me you saved my ear.
We did. Then I tried to freeze it. And then the dog found it and...
- It's a funny story, actually. - I shall never come to this country again.
Ooh, Dad, can I interview the princess?
She's been released. Orders from Up High.
Nosebleed high. Don't think I'm happy about it.
But she confessed, for gawd's sake!
Good news, everyone! I arrested our sniper. Caught them sneaking off the heath.
One Flora Wilson.
Known wrong 'un. Stroke of luck, eh?
You didn't know her, did you, Rabbit?
You haven't been having a particularly filthy affair with her for a number of years, have you?
I do hope she's not the love of your life. That would be an awful shame.
Because I hear they're going to hang her...
.. until her neck...
.. goes...
And then my dad said, "You did good, Rabbit.
"Upstairs will like you for this."
Thank you, Mabel.
I don't know how useful you'll find all of that.
It all helps to paint a picture!
Thank you for coming! Do come again.
You bet!
Vodka tonico?
I think we deserve one.